Why Many Intelligent, Successful Women Feel Lonely.
A personal and painful topic. Because this is something I’ve struggled with since I was young. The outsider, who was just a little different from the people around me, but who adapted to fit in. I didn’t feel better or worse—just different. I thought differently, enjoyed different things, felt things differently, and asked myself questions that others apparently didn’t ask—or at least didn’t voice aloud—and neither did I, for that matter; I kept them to myself.
As a child, I found that confusing, and as a teenager, I learned to suppress it. And as an adult, I became so good at it that I barely even recognized it myself anymore. I successfully adapted, but in the end, I also lost my identity.
I fit in everywhere and became good at reading and sensing (something I only realized later in life) the atmosphere of a room and adapting myself to what the situation called for. I had friends, coworkers, and a social life. On the outside, nothing was out of the ordinary. Although I often had to let off steam at home, precisely because adapting took so much energy out of me.
There was always a gap between who I was and who I pretended to be. The distance between what I really thought and what I said. The feeling that the conversations I had rarely touched on the things that truly mattered to me. That I was welcome in groups, but rarely truly at home. That also led to exclusion when I did make my own choices, because I wasn’t a follower. I didn’t smoke—never had, either. Conscious choices, but because of them, I wasn’t invited when the rest of the group of girls I hung out with went out to smoke and drink.
For a long time, I saw that as something that was my fault. A social shortcoming. A personality that was too demanding, too complex, too unwilling to settle for superficiality. Until I realized it wasn’t a shortcoming at all. It was simply the price I paid for a life I had largely built on fitting in rather than belonging.
The loneliness that no one talks about
Loneliness has many facets, because there is a kind of loneliness that isn’t about the absence of people. In fact, it’s most palpable at the very moments when you’re surrounded by people who love you, who admire you, who are there for you. It’s the loneliness of not being fully seen. Of always having to translate, tone down, or hide a part of yourself to make the space you occupy bearable for others.
I’m not the only one who feels this way; I’ve spoken with many women about it. Women who are successful, who have it all from a societal perspective, who perform at a high level, and yet feel a sense of isolation that they hardly dare to acknowledge. They’ve successfully adapted because they’ve become so good at managing the gap between who they are and what the world expects of them that they no longer fully feel that gap themselves.
Over time, loneliness surfaces in small moments. In a conversation with friends that’s pleasant but doesn’t really connect. At a family dinner where you’re physically present but your thoughts are elsewhere. In the recurring realization that the people who know you best still don’t know you as well as you’d like them to. In your role, in your entrepreneurship, in your business.
That feeling is the hidden toll of decades of adapting yourself to environments that aren't—or aren't anymore—entirely built for you.
Why do successful women feel lonely despite their social network?
Because for intelligent, sensitive, and highly educated women, loneliness is rarely about the number of people around them. It’s about the depth of the connection, about meaningful conversations, and about the topics and interests that can be discussed. Women who think, feel, and see things differently than the people in their immediate circle learn early on to hide that difference.
They adapt, they reinterpret themselves, they become social experts. But adaptation is not connection. And the better you get at fitting in, the greater the distance becomes between who you show yourself to be and who you really are. That distance is loneliness—not the absence of people, but the presence of a gap that you’ve carried for so long that you’ve forgotten it doesn’t have to be there.
What has adapting always cost me?
I’ve had to fundamentally rebuild my life several times. Sometimes I did it quietly, sometimes under duress, and sometimes radically—and I never knew what awaited me on the other side. Challenging times and events that shaped me—and sometimes ‘mishaped’ me—because I also made choices that seemed right at the time but turned out differently. But every time I rebuilt, it was because I’d lost myself for too long in a life that fit but didn’t feel right. In relationships, in friendships, in work, and also in a version of myself that I’d maintained for so long that I’d forgotten what the real version felt like. An identity crisis that required me to create distance and say goodbye.
Because choosing to be who you truly are means losing friendships that were built on the version of you that fit in. It means leaving behind circles that knew you in a way you no longer want to be. It means giving up the security of belonging to a group that accepts you as long as you keep yourself small enough.
But losing yourself is more costly in the long run. It costs you the energy you put into maintaining a version of yourself that isn’t who you really are. It costs you the decisions you put off because you’re not clear on what you want, separate from what others expect of you. It costs you the freedom you’ll never build because you’re too busy trying to fit in to build a sense of belonging.
From Adapting to Belonging
A woman who has spent years trying to fit in builds a business and a reputation based on who she thinks she’s supposed to be. She attracts clients who fit that image. She develops an offering that aligns with the expectations of those around her. She prices her work at a level that reflects how small she makes herself out to be. And she wonders why her sense of freedom isn’t growing, even though she works so hard and delivers so much.
The answer rarely lies in the strategy. It lies in the foundation upon which the strategy is built. As long as your position, your offerings, and your choices are built on a version of yourself that’s designed to fit in rather than to belong, your potential won’t grow the way it could. Not because you’re not good enough, but because you’re not fully harnessing your own potential and value.
The women I coach who make the greatest breakthroughs in status, freedom, and capability are almost always the ones who, at some point, stop defending the version of themselves they’ve adapted to fit in. They begin to build from who they truly are. They no longer push away the loneliness of being different but acknowledge it as the signal they’ve been receiving all these years. Woman, you were made for more than just trying things on.
How do you build a life and a business that align with who you’ve truly become?
By starting with the honest question of which choices you’ve made throughout your life based on who you truly are and who you’ve become over the years. And also, which choices were made based on what you thought others expected of you? That distinction isn’t easy to make, but it is the only foundation on which to build a career, a business, and a life that are truly your own. Not as a final destination, but as a guiding compass for every choice that follows—one that aligns with who you are, not with who you thought you were supposed to be.
The Four Questions to Be Honest About
- In what situations—both professional and personal—do you adapt in ways that drain your energy rather than recharge it?
- What thoughts, beliefs, or desires do you rarely voice out loud, and what would change if you did speak them?
- Are the people who know you best also the people who know you most completely, and if not, what does that say?
- What choices in your business or your life would you make differently if you based them on who you truly are, rather than on who you think you're supposed to be?
Do you want to know where you stand?
The Compound™ Growth Scan shows you in ten minutes how your personal, business, and financial capital currently relate to one another and where the biggest opportunities lie that you’re currently leaving untapped.
Strategically simplified decision-making, without detours.
→ Take The Compound™ Growth Scan
The Compound Scan™ identifies areas where your value exceeds what your current position reflects, and where the greatest leverage lies for strategically compounding your personal, professional, and financial potential.
One Life. Lead it. Live it.
Gerdi Hulsink
Your success and freedom. My mission.
PS. Scale to Freedom is my six-month strategic partnership for women who are ready to take on the role that fits who they’ve become—not who they used to be. If you feel that your expertise and your role have drifted apart, start with the scan.
PPS. The Compound Board is a private strategic community for women who take their lives, leadership, and legacy seriously. In-person events, online sessions, direct strategic feedback, and an environment where you’re surrounded by women who are taking the same steps. Request an interview to discuss whether this is appropriate.
PPPS. Available exclusively in July and August. The Compound™ Reset. An exclusive one-on-one live session dedicated to your strategic challenge. Request an interview to discuss whether this is appropriate.
The Compound™
For the woman who wants to let her values guide her and grow her wealth through compounding.
Life is her freedom without proof.